“Cats” in many ways seems like a film that was destined to fail. Not only did the idea of CGI human/cat hybrids seem like a particularly egregious violation of the uncanny valley, but the film is adapting one of the most divisive musicals of all time. Sure, the musical won multiple Tony Awards and generated a groundbreaking level of revenue for Broadway. But it is also largely considered the turning point where spectacle began to dwarf substance in the world of theater. Suffice it to say the expectations were not particularly high for the cinematic version. I also must admit a personal bias; the director, Tom Hooper, I have a deep disdain for as an artist. I felt “The King’s Speech” was a great script that was executed with two terrific actors, but had very subpar direction. His next film, “Les Miserables”, took an incredible musical and save for a few inspired moments neutered the entire story. Suffice it to say, I was not expecting to enjoy “Cats”.
And yet, with all that said, I don’t believe anyone could have anticipated how awful of a film “Cats” could really be. Good Lord, it is astonishing.
I honestly found myself in a state of shock when the credits began to roll on this dreck. This isn’t merely a “bad film”. It is in no way a “missed opportunity”. This is a relentless assault on the art of filmmaking, one where every attempt to make a sound choice with an element of the film seems to be avoided at all costs. There have been films as bad as this in 2019, no doubt, but no film in ages has boasted this large of a budget and this star-studded a cast with this lack of quality.
About the only quality of the film that’s worth applauding is the set design. The setting and stages look spectacular. That’s it. That’s the end of the film’s positives. So what doesn’t work? Let’s start with the design of the cats themselves; it is nothing short of atrocious. Cat tails, fur, and ears. Human face, human nose, and human arms and legs covered in fur. It is unnerving at best, poorly animated at worst and it severely waters down the entire film. While the musical this film is based on has many detractors, the one detail that was always applauded by everyone was the costuming and choreography. Well, the costuming is replaced with awful CGI and because the characters are covered head to toe with computerized graphics the dancing doesn’t resonate either. Even though this is motion capture animation every dance sequence feels less like skilled performers and more like gaming avatars. It’s a true disservice to the performers, many of whom are clearly talented. Adding insult to injury is the fact that director Tom Hooper keeps making such rapid cuts that it never even allows the dancing to be properly showcased. The fact it is motion capture also makes you pity the actors knowing they were likely doing their hyper-specialized feline jaunts in tennis-ball covered motion capture outfits. What self-respecting actor would agree to this?
Sadly, there’s quite a few. Idris Elba may have the least mortifying performance in this movie, if only because he enters and exits the film so quickly for each of his scenes. For some reason his feline design stands as one of the least egregious as well. Judi Dench, Ian McKellen, and Rebel Wilson are all given some of the worst roles of their career. Mercifully, the editing is so choppy and the pacing so uneven you’ll forget most of their scenes shortly after they pass. But man, what they did to Jennifer Hudson is nothing short of travesty. First of all, she ends up with some of the worst CGI makeup in the film. To add insult to injury, her song, “Memories” is one of the most recognizable songs from the original musical, but the arrangement and the execution she is given for the film version is beneath her abilities and takes all of the potency from the song. This was my biggest complaint about Tom Hooper’s last film, “Les Missrables” which took the passion out of the showstopper “On My Own” in his adaptation. When it comes to palpable emotion through song, Tom Hooper could ruin a wet dream.
How is the plot? Well, the original film, which details the search for a cat to replace the lead feline (played by Judi Dench in the film), was not particularly great in the musical either. While I don’t think it’s fair to blame Hooper for that detail, he adds some news songs and sequences that make the film feel even less like a real story and more like a collective of obnoxious set pieces. The film truly doesn’t take the time to even articulate the driving plot of the film for the first 20–30 minutes: it is far more concerned with us seeing cat humans humping furniture and drinking milk so sexually it feels like it should be in a grind house picture.
And Mother of all that is holy, the sexuality in this film is just plain disturbing. I consider myself a pretty open minded individual when it comes to one’s bedroom proclivities. But Taylor Swift seductively strutting as a cat-human mutation in high heels (yes a cat walking in high heels) as 40 cats, horny on catnip, rub and flirt with one another, is a nightmarish vision I doubt will ever be cleansed from my brain. I’m thoroughly convinced whomever constructed this sequence had not slept with a single soul in 6 months, and spent that entire time on a meth bender in an animal shelter. This was the horrifying result.
“Cats” is an abomination to everything that makes a film digestible. The fact it received a wide release may stand as the worst hate crime of 2019. But I think everyone should see it. The next time you have an idea for a story, or a movie, or some artistic work and you are insecure about it, see this film. The fact that a major studio financed this puddle of shit, watched the end result, and thought “we did it!” is so hilariously tone deaf that you will still leave the theater thoroughly entertained.
1/10
