I must admit, as a frequent visitor to my local cineplex, 2019 has spoiled me. This has been an outstanding year for film, whether it be independent and film-as-art releases (“Parasite”, “The Farewell”, “The Irishman”), or truly engaging populist fare (“Avengers: Endgame”, “Toy Story 4”, “Spider-Man: Far From Home”), this year has yielded plenty of gems. And yet no matter how many satisfactory films make their way into the theaters in a given year, there are always a share of films that crash and burn.
The following 5 films represent the worst that cinema in 2019 had to offer. I have ranked them in order of their respective ineptitude, but I have also included a unique ranking for these particular films. Following each film I have included a “Watchability Index” with a range from 1 to 10. While each of these films represent some truly appalling attempts at filmmaking, several still possess a level of entertainment value that cannot be denied. This index provides a fair barometer as to whether the title listed might possess that type of allure in its lack of quality.
So without further adieu, here are the top 5 travesties that cinema had to offer in 2019.
5) Replicas
I know, the world is in love with Keanu Reeves these days. And for good reason: he’s universally known as one of the nicest and most charitable actors in the film industry, and yet he maintains a humble demeanor in every interview when this is mentioned. He also had a banner year in 2019 with the enormous critical and commercial success of “John Wick Chapter 3: Parabellum” and “Toy Story 4”, both of which were wildly entertaining. But alas, every actor has a few blemishes in their filmography, and the creepy sci-fi effort “Replicas” is one such example and wow, is it ever a doozy of a bad film. The story of a neuroscientist (Reeves) who is attempting to clone his family in secret after they perish in a car accident, this film is a comedy of errors in regards to the number of missteps it takes. The CGI looks unfinished in so many scenes as it is as rudimentary as possible and constantly pulls you out of the film. Reeves makes so many scientifically unethical choices I could devote an entire article to those alone. Every actor seems as if they were instructed to either show no emotional range or only the furthest extremes of either end. And while the film warns against the consequences of “playing God” in the world of science, the ending essentially contradicts that entire message in stunning fashion. It all makes for pretty comic viewing, and while I can’t say it lacks entertainment value as a result, in no way would I consider it quality filmmaking.
Watchability Index: 7/10
4) Dark Phoenix
In the iconic “Dark Phoenix Saga” storyline in the X-men comics, the Dark Phoenix is a fiery entity that possesses tortured team member Jean Grey and during the course of the tale, destroys an entire star system. While the appearance of Dark Phoenix in this film and “X3: The Last Stand” hasn’t achieved that level of destruction, it HAS successfully killed an entire “X-men” franchise on two occasions now. Director Simon Kinberg helms the swan song for the Michael Fassbender/James McAvoy line of X-Men films, and the ending couldn’t possibly be more timely as no one in this film looks as if they wish to be here. Most notably Jennifer Lawrence, who typically brings a level of prestige to most film projects she is a part of, is clearly doing this film as a contractual obligation. She is only in the film briefly but she sleepwalks through her lines, her expression seems to mirror the audience’s disenchantment with the writing, and even her makeup is noticeably subpar compared to the other films. That alone would likely earn this film a spot on this list, but everything else about the film is also a misfire. The Dark Phoenix threat was not given a proper build in the last film and continues to receive a short-handed one here, and the script is littered with inconsistencies and faulty logic. The cinematography in many scenes is too often visually unpleasant. Perhaps the pinnacle of the film’s failings is a hilariously tone deaf scene where the Phoenix forces the crippled Professor X to awkwardly walk up a flight of stairs with her telekinesis, leading to a scene that comes off like poor taste physical comedy. In a year of impressive superhero film outings, this is not one of them.
Watchability Index: 4/10
3) The Haunting of Sharon Tate
Several viewers expressed outrage this year when Quentin Tarantino’s “Once Upon a Time in Hollywood” was released over how the film’s revisionist history. The line of thinking was that Tarantino using revisionist history to rewrite the Sharon Tate murders at the hands of the Manson family was an exercise in poor taste. While I disagree with this sentiment (but respect those who didn’t agree with the choice), if “Once Upon a Time” was an exercise in bad taste, “The Haunting of Sharon Tate” was a marathon. The film, starring Hilary Duff as the titular character, is an absolute travesty to the legacy of the late actress. The premise of the film suggests Tate had dreams that provided a premonition of her impending murder, and the intended drama is in Tate’s efforts to try to escape this fate. The film is dreadfully shot, and while I don’t wish to assail Duff’s acting in general she gives easily one of the worst performances of the year. Then again, with this weak direction and a horrid script, can you place the blame entirely on her shoulders? This isn’t just a bad movie, it is a deeply unpleasant one in tone and execution. While I don’t think it’s the worst movie this year from an artistic standpoint, it is perhaps the most unwatchable one.
Watchability Factor: 1/10
2) Serenity
A thriller starring Oscar winners Anne Hathaway and Matthew McConaughey with a sexy vibe and a picturesque setting on the water? How could this go wrong? If the movie in question is “Serenity”, in so many ways. Initially the plot feels rather generic: a man (McConaughey) who leads a fairly private life among a small island community is asked by his ex-wife (Anne Hathaway) to murder her new spouse (Jason Clarke). The film seems to take all of the predictable narrative beats this sort of tale would usually choose, until a huge twist comes halfway through the film. I am not exaggerating when I say this ranks among the dumbest twists in a film in perhaps the last decade. This twist is used as a justification for some really bizarre rotating camera shots and a blend of flat and highly exaggerated performances. On some level you want to applaud the film for admittedly taking a few risks, were it not for the fact that the choices it makes are so laughably bad. You get the impression the actors involved, all of whom are very talented, heard the plot and thought the swerves in the script would appeal to that fabled younger audience (there’s a running gimmick in the film that is clearly intending to sell this film as “hip” to modern audiences). The final product instead is a film that doesn’t really work on any level as a thriller, but unintentionally is quite effective as a comedy.
Watchability Factor: 8/10
1) The Fanatic
There is no other way to articulate this: “The Fanatic” is a perfect specimen of trash cinema. If I were to finance the worst possible film I could fashion in some form of scheme out of “The Producers”, I don’t know if I could still end up with a final product as bad as this movie. Almost every choice seems like the perfect recipe for failure. John Travolta playing a mentally disturbed stalker EARNESTLY, and coming across like a Warner Bros. cartoon. Fred Durst of “Limp Bizkit” game directing this abomination. Lines of dialogues so awful you feel as if the actors deserve hazard duty pay for even repeating them. Seriously, Travolta’s first line in this film is “can’t talk, gotta poo” and it doesn’t improve from there. This film is trying to fashion itself as a gritty tale of obsession in the vein of “Taxi Driver”, but when the violent moments leave you laughing out loud at their absurdity rather than in a state of discomfort, you’ve likely missed the mark. You can tell John Travolta is really trying in the lead role, and I suppose on some level that is worthy of admiration. But when you see how he plays the role of this mentally ill loner, how hysterically funny he doesn’t seem to get it and how wrong for the subject matter his approach is, you can’t help but be in awe. It leaves you astonished that anyone could watch this performance and provide approval for it to remain in the film. But there are so many moments in this film like that. Perhaps the scene that best summarizes this film is one where a character is driving with his son, and they have a bonding moment in the car rocking out to Limp Bizkit and extolling how awesome they are. LIMP BIZKIT. IN A FRED DURST MOVIE. It makes you want to scream “who thought that would be a sound idea”, and that is essentially the theme that seems to define the entire film. It is easily the worst film of 2019. It may be a worthy competitor for one of the worst films I have ever seen. And yet, I cannot say I hate the movie; in fact in many ways I was mesmerized by every second of it.
Watchability Factor: 10/10
If you have an idea for a film but have been timid to put pen to paper, watch these selections. If these movies can receive a proper release and a budget from a legitimate studio, there’s no end to what is possible.
